Since beginning my blog and Jumping Into the Deep End of the Pool, a whole new journey appeared as I surfaced. No longer did I find myself, trying to get to the other side of just a pool, or even a lake, to follow a whole new dream but instead a vast ocean appeared. Questions: Why? How do I do this? Am I being punished? I am tired of fighting of being strong? What is my path now? What is my future?
Breast Cancer is an ugly creature that came with a vengeance into my life this past October. While I discovered the lump in August, I ignored its attack, until my mother and best friend insisted I go. After two months of torturous news and waiting I am currently diagnosed with Grade 2, Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma in my right breast. Because of the location of my tumor (the 10 o’clock position), the amount of breast tissue (I do not have much), my implants and the size of the tumor (at the moment it is being measured at 2.2cm but could be bigger, surgery will let us know); we have decided on a double mastectomy. The surgery will further determine if I am Stage 3 (passed into the lymph nodes) and they will do further tests on the tumor to determine the recurrence of cancer and this will decided if I will have further treatment such as chemo and/or radiation. Because my cancer is hormone based I will be on hormone therapy for many years to help prevent any further breast cancer.
But I digress. While I could take the diagnosis, I wasn’t prepared for the amount of loneliness I feel. As I look upon the horizon of this HUGE ocean, I realize I am in the safety of a lifeboat. This lifeboats does represent those who are close to me and love me and while I know they are there I still am alone and lost. For the first time, in a very long time, I don’t know what to do and where to go and who to be. What was once so clear now seems so uncertain. And at times a glimmer will appear in the distance of this vast body of water. An idea for a possible non-profit? Staying on my original path? A whole new world? I just don’t know and I just feel lost. As I keep moving in the safety my of lifeboat, all I can do is keep praying for guidance and strength. While I know I will conquer this odyssey, I also know I have many possible quests to overcome. And so the journey begins.